


Infinitive Phase

by CaptainJZH



Category: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (TV 1981), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, But ignores Quintessential Phase (mostly), Gen, Inspired by Hexagonal Phase, Takes place in radio series continuity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-27
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-07-03 10:53:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15817428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainJZH/pseuds/CaptainJZH
Summary: What if, instead of being picked up by the Guardians of the Galaxy, Thor was picked up by a certain Improbability Drive-driven starship carrying some people he met at a flying party once, and they were enlisted to help him take down Thanos?In desperate situations, as the Guide says, don't give up hope. Actually, it goes on to say, you might as well give up hope, but the most important thing is to not panic.





	1. Fit the First

Space— as is said in the introductory paragraph to the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy —is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is.

 

It goes on to say that if someone were to, for example, get thrown out of a spaceship into the cold vacuum of space by a maniac who wants to kill half the Universe, they would be able to live if and only if they were picked up within thirty seconds. However, it is not advisable to count on this little tidbit, as the likelihood of being rescued during that time is 2 to the 276,709th power to 1.

 

Luckily for Thor, God of Thunder, he was an Immortal, and was therefore able to survive in the vacuum of space infinitely longer than a mere thirty seconds. Of course, while that made the likelihood of him being eventually rescued much higher— a comparatively better 2 to the 1,618th power to 1 —it was still highly improbable.

 

Improbable events were something Thor had experience with in recent times. First, there was the revelation that his brother, Loki the God of Mischief, was not dead as he had been led to believe, and was instead masquerading as their father watching rather terrible plays about himself. Second, there was the sudden arrival of his long-lost evil sister, Hela, who, upon the death of their real father, showed up and destroyed Thor’s supposedly-indestructible hammer. Third, after being hurled through a vortex to the garbage-filled pseudo-utopia of Sakaar, he not only ran into his brother again, but also the so-called “Incredible Hulk,” an acquaintance of his from the planet Earth, and the alternative, more angry form of Dr. Bruce Banner. Fourth and finally, after a long and rather exciting battle on the now-ruined Asgard, the ship containing him and the remaining Asgardians was then attacked by the conqueror Thanos, wanting the Space Stone in Loki’s possession (which he happened to grab before Asgard’s aforementioned ruining), killing Loki in the process.

 

This was, as Thor would most likely describe it if he were conscious enough to do so, a “bad week” to say the least.

 

However, improbable events were something the starship Heart of Gold had experience with as well, due to it being propelled by an Improbability Drive, and just happened to be cruising at an Improbability Factor of 2 to the 1,618th power to 1, which coincidentally was the number of times he had cursed the name “Zaphod Beeblebrox” after an embarrassing incident involving a latex bustier and Damogranian pom-pom squids.

 

\---

 

“I wouldn’t want to alarm anyone or make you think I was a downer or anything but I think you ought to know there’s an Asgardian in the linen closet,” Marvin the Paranoid Android said in his usual dull mode of speaking.

 

“An Asgardian in the linen closet?” Arthur Dent asked, alone on the bridge and still wearing his sadly-trademark dressing gown.

 

“Is there any other way you’d like me to phrase it? I could say something like ‘Demigod in the small room in which we store sheets and such’ if you would prefer-”

 

“No, Marvin, I just want to know why there’s an Asgardian in the linen closet. And furthermore, get him out of there!”

 

“He was picked up by the Improbability Drive, of course. Not like any of you fools could do it.”

 

“Marvin…”

 

“And I suppose you would like me to take his limp body somewhere in particular?”

 

Arthur sighed. Marvin never made anything easy, did he?

 

“Yes, Marvin, lie him down in here. And wake the others up!”

 

“Wake the others up, he says. Brain the size of a planet and he wants me to be a glorified wake up call...” Marvin said to no one in particular as he slowly lurched his way back into the corridor.

 

\---

 

“Earth-man, this better be good,” Zaphod Beeblebrox said as he groggily stepped onto the bridge, “Left Brain was finally getting some shut-eye.”

 

Lying unconscious on the bright-white floor of the equally-bright-white bridge of the even-more-equally-bright-white Heart of Gold was Thor, the God of Thunder, former friend of the former Galactic President.

 

“Thor? Is it really him? What in Zarq’s name is he doing here? And why hasn’t he tried to kill me yet?”

 

Also present in the room were Ford Prefect– Arthur’s Betelgeusean friend and Zaphod’s semi-cousin, Trillian– acquaintance of Arthur’s from Earth, Random “Frequent Flyer” Dent– Arthur’s daughter, and finally Fenchurch– Arthur’s soulmate, also from Earth.

 

“You mean from Norse mythology?” Fenchurch asked.

 

“We met him at a party once,” Arthur started to explain.

 

“Arthur asked him to step outside,” Ford continued with a chuckle.

 

“What’s so funny ‘bout that?” Random inquired.

 

“The party was in the air at the time, “ Trillian, her mother, replied.

 

“His muscles are so… big,” Random said as she looked down the god laying before them.

 

“Well they aren’t that big…” Arthur muttered.

 

“Agreed,” Ford remarked, “It’s like his body was carved by the gods themselves. Oh wait, they were!”

 

“Maybe this isn’t Thor,” Arthur commented, crossing his arms, “The Thor I remember was shorter, and, uh, more scrawny.”

 

“Nope,” Trillian asserted as she put her hand to Thor’s forehead, “He’s  _ exactly _ how I remember him.”

 

“I dunno,” Zaphod fidgeted nervously, “Maybe Earth-man’s right. After all, I remember Thor being a little more, uh, animate.”

 

Zaphod then kicked Thor lightly with his foot, causing the God of Thunder to awake suddenly and stagger across the room.

 

“Well that’s a little more animate, I suppose,” Fenchurch remarked.

 

\---

 

“So there’s this cat named Thanos, and he wants to get all of these fancy rocks so he can wipe out half the Universe?” Zaphod asked as the former President caught up with his former friend.

 

“Thanos is not of feline ancestry, he is a Titan, and he’s mad.”

 

“Mad as in ‘crazy,’ or mad as in ‘angry?’” Ford asked.

 

“Both. And he’s probably heading for Earth next.”

 

“Figures,” Arthur muttered, “First it gets destroyed by the Vogons, then it turns out to be in a Plural Zone so it constantly rematerializes, and now this ‘Thanos’ is heading for the latest reiteration. And this one apparently has superheroes or something!”

 

“They prefer to be called ‘Avengers,’” Thor corrected as he looked over the computer console, “Computer, plot a course to Nidavellir.”

 

_ “Hi!” _ the computer said in its typical, gratingly cheery tone, “This is Eddie, your ship’s computer, and I’m pleased as can be to tell  _ you _ that I can’t seem to find that anywhere on my star charts!”

 

“Well I know the way. I shall pilot this craft manually.”

 

“Hey!” Zaphod interrupted, pulling Thor away from the controls, “You can’t pilot an Improbability Drive manually! Are you insane?”

 

“A little,” Thor replied, turning to face the others, “There are two other Infinity Stones Thanos does not have that are not on Earth. I know one is in a place called ‘Knowhere,’ in the hands of the Collector, but nobody, not even Thanos, knows the location of the other. I must go to Nidavellir to obtain a weapon worthy of fighting the Titan, while you secure the other before he reaches it.”

 

“Wait a minute, wait a minute,” Zaphod interrupted, “Thor, buddy, pal, you can’t just come on board this ship and start barking orders!”

 

“Right,” Thor nodded, “You, in the dashing sweater vest!”

 

Ford looked around, confused, before replying, “Me?”

 

“Yes, you are obviously the captain here, what with your casual, laid-back attitude. I request usage of your ship and crew in my mission to defeat Thanos.”

 

“Hey, I’m-” Zaphod tried to say before being interrupted by Ford.

 

“Yes,” Ford said, proudly standing with a smug smile, “As  _ captain _ , I hereby grant you, Thor, use of our facilities in your grand quest. We are, as they say, at your service.”

 

“Very good,” Thor said as he plotted a course in the ship’s computer, “Zaphod, the two women, and the girl will go to Knowhere to secure the Reality Stone in this Golden Heart, while you, the robed-one, the robot, and myself will go to Nidavellir in your escape pod.”

 

“Sounds like a plan! Can’t argue with a god, can you Arthur?” Ford asked, happily.

 

“No,” Arthur responded, sharing in Zaphod’s dislike of the Asgardian, “As much as I’d like to, no.”

 

_ How will our heroes’ divide and conquer plan fare under close scrutiny? _

 

_ Will Arthur get over his intense jealousy of Thor? _

 

_ Will adding Fenchurch to Zaphod’s group alter the team dynamics? _

 

_ Find out, in the next exciting installment of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to The Galaxy! _

 

_ [Journey of the Sorcerer plays] _


	2. Fit the Second

Knowhere, contrary to popular belief, is actually somewhere. And, while many an outlaw have been known to hide out on Knowhere, there is nowhere more easy-to-find, as long as you have a trusty star chart or, if the situation demands it, a stiff drink. Both of which, incidentally, Zaphod happened to have as they docked inside.

 

“Okay coolios,” Zaphod said as he assembled his team, “First, we find this ‘Collector’ and ask him what’s up. Then, we ask him what’s down. Very effective interrogation tactic, that is. And then-”

 

Fenchurch raised her hand.

 

“Yes, Fenchurch?”

 

“I think Thanos beat us to him.”

 

She gestured to the viewscreen, where they could see Thanos beating up the aptly-named Collector in his shop.

 

“You sold it?!” Thanos asked angrily, grabbing the poor man and throwing him through a glass display case, “To whom?”

 

“Zarniwoop something!” the Collector cried out, “Now please don’t kill me I’m just a simple business merchant!”

 

“Zaphod, we have to save that man!” Trillian insisted, but Zaphod could only stroke his chin, smiling.

 

“I know where to find a Zarniwoop Something… Computer, set course for Ursa Minor Beta!”

 

“Will do!” Eddie proclaimed.

 

“Zaphod, that man is going to die!”

 

Outside, they heard a loud snapping noise, which, upon closer inspection, made Trillian’s insistence about saving him unfortunately null.

 

“Well could-a, would-a, should-a, am I right?” Zaphod remarked, sitting back in his chair, “Hit it!”

 

\---

 

As is previously established, Ursa Minor Beta is one of the most appalling places in the known Universe, as it is very rich, very sunny and tropical, and everyone has a very relaxed attitude. It is also home to the headquarters of Infinidim Enterprises, publisher of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

 

“Hello this is Infinidim Enterprises, home of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, the best selling and most wholly remarkable book in the Universe. How may I direct you? Oh, I’m sorry. Mr. Vann Harl is currently far too busy to be disturbed.”

 

“Hey,” Zaphod said, strolling up to the desk, “I’d like to see Zarniwoop.”

 

“You? I’ve told you, no one can just show up and ask to see Zarniwoop, and you’ve come to see him twice, now! Security, escort this man out!”

 

Upon being thrown out of the lobby, Zaphod brushed off his shirt and tried to think of a new plan. He couldn’t. Trillian, Random, and Fenchurch stood off in a corner, watching the Betelgeusean politician rack his two brains for a different approach.

 

“You would think for someone with a more-than-usual amount of heads you’d be able to think of a way in,” Random commented.

 

Zaphod sighed. “If only Ford were here. He knows how to get in this place.”

 

“Well you aren’t Ford,” Trillian scolded, “and Thanos is probably going to be here any minute, so I think it’s about time you and LB take a break and  _ we _ work out a solution.”

 

As Zaphod pouted on a bench, the three women got to work on brainstorming a way inside.

 

“What if we threaten our way in with a weapon?” Random suggested.

 

Trillian shook her head. “Zaphod tried that once. Well, he says he did, I still think he was hallucinating.”

 

“What if we pretend to be the pizza delivery people?” Fenchurch rang in.

 

Trillian shook her head again.

 

“He also tried that before. Besides, why would there be four pizza delivery persons?”

 

“Maybe Zarniwoop just really likes pizza,” Fenchurch shrugged.

 

“Wait, I have an idea,” Trillian said, noticing the robots patrolling the lobby, “What if we don’t get Zarniwoop, but instead he gets us?”

 

“That doesn’t make any sense!” Zaphod called out.

 

Inside the lobby, they saw a robot confront a rather dodgy-looking employee.

 

“Mr. Roosta, you have seventeen hundred unexplained business expenses on your account,” the robot said.

 

“Well, uh, that can all be easily explained,” Roosta tried to say before getting cut off.

 

“Any more and we’d take you to Mr. Vann Harl himself and you would have to explain it to him personally. But for now you are on unpaid suspension pending review of your case.”

 

“Hey, wait a minute!”

 

“It makes loads of sense,” Random said, pulling out her wallet, “I have Ford’s DinoCharge card. Stole it off him a while ago so I could buy some stuff. This thing has, like, ten thousand unexplained expenses on it!”

 

The teenager took off into the building, waving the card like a flag.

 

“Random!” Trillian called out, running after her daughter.

 

“Hey, Mister Robot!”

 

The security robot turned and looked at the girl, scanning the card in her hand.

 

“I’m Ford Prefect and I have unexplained expenses!”

 

The robot’s diodes nearly short-circuited as it calculated the amount of money charged to Ford’s account.

 

“Mr. Prefect, you have over one hundred million unexplained business expenses on your account.”

 

Random sheepishly took a step back, muttering, “I, uh, didn’t think it’d be that much…”

 

“In fact, we’re all Ford Prefect!” Zaphod blurted out as he and the two others ran in.

 

Security robots surrounded them, all according to plan.

 

“Zarniwoop would like to have a word with you.”

 

\---

 

Zarniwoop Vann Harl was a very wealthy man. He had not only survived the purchase of Megadodo Publications by Infinidim, but had also kept the ever-so-popular Guide in print long after it had become obsolete, keeping him in the manner to which he was accustomed. So when he purchased one of the precious, infinitely rare Infinity Stones over the Sub-Ether Net for a massive sum, it was no surprise that he took to using it as a paperweight in his office.

 

“You lot don’t look like Ford Prefect,” Zarniwoop said, looking at Ford’s file on his computer, “For one thing, he’s not four people, last I checked.”

 

“Well you see,” Random began, “There’s this guy Thanos, and he wants that, uh, Infinity Stone on your desk.”

 

“And you felt the need to trick your way into my office to get it, because…?”

 

“Because he’s going to destroy half the Universe!” Trillian exclaimed.

 

“Well I don’t see why that should be of my concern.”

 

“It’ll be your concern when you suddenly don’t exist no more,” Fenchurch commented from the corner.

 

“Yeah, and it’ll also be your concern when I snap your neck if you don’t hand that shiny gem over to us!” Zaphod threatened.

 

The buzzer on Zarniwoop’s desk then went off, the secretary downstairs speaking through it.

 

“Sorry to disturb you, Mr. Harl, but there’s a large purple man coming to see you. He, uh, wasn’t exactly let in, I assure you.”

 

“Thank you,” Zarniwoop said, turning back to the group, “Mr. Beeblebrox, I remember you. Well, the you before you had that nasty brain alteration, at least. You were so insistent to find out what was going on, if I recall. Wouldn’t you like to know?”

 

“Wait, seriously?”

 

Zarniwoop grabbed the Reality Stone off his desk and twiddled it between his fingers.

 

“Yes, seriously. Something about the true Ruler of the Universe…”

 

“Yes, tell me!” Zaphod insisted, running up to the desk.

 

“Zaphod, grab the Zarq’ing stone!” Trillian shouted.

 

“In a minute, okay? Just tell me what I wanna hear, Zarni!”

 

“Something about you great grandfather, Zaphod Beeblebrox IV…”

 

“Zaphod!”

 

“After he tells me what’s been up with my life, okay?”

 

“Oh for crying out loud,” Random said, lunging over the desk to grab the stone.

 

A blue portal opened behind Zarniwoop, with Thanos, wearing his resplendent gold-plated battle armor, stepping through it. Random stopped dead in her tracks.

 

“Ah, ah, ah…” Thanos said, reaching for the stone in Zarniwoop’s hand.

 

“Oh, uh, Mr. Thanos, I hear your interested in decorative paperweights. Infinidim has many that you’ll find-”

 

The Titan grabbed the executive by the throat and threw him across the room, taking the Reality Stone and adding it the large golden gauntlet covering his left hand.

 

“I believe this is mine,” Thanos remarked, “Ah, hello Mr. Beeblebrox.” He nodded to Zaphod. “Word of advice: if you survive my reckoning, the galaxy will need strong leaders. So, don’t run for reelection this year.”

 

Thanos disappeared back into the portal, everyone in the room looking at Zaphod, who looked as though he’d just stared into the mouth of The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal, but more embarrassed than terrified.

 

“Zaphod,” Trillian said, “if we get wiped out by Thanos, I’m going to kill you.”

 

_ Will Trillian have the guts to back up that provocative statement? _

 

_ Did the Secondary Phase happen at all in this continuity? _

 

_ Is Zarniwoop’s last name really Vann Harl? _

 

_ Find out, in the next delectable episode of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy! _


	3. Fit the Third

It is commonly known that escape pods are hardly the roomiest spacecraft one can travel in, though there are some exceptions. One exception is the escape pod found aboard most Vogon ships, as the only Vogon crew members allowed to leave the ship in a life-threatening emergency are the captains, and so they only need one, large pod rather than several small ones. 

 

The escape pod of the Heart of Gold was not an exception, and was fairly cramped, even without a large Norse god taking up the center seat.

 

“Captain Prefect,” Thor stated, “I must compliment you on the steadfast design of your escape pod. Very easy to control.”

 

“Thank you,” Ford squeaked, crushed against the wall. 

 

“Has anyone else lost feeling along their left-hand side?” Arthur asked, also crushed against the wall.

 

“I have,” Marvin rang in, stowed underneath the seat, “Not that anyone cares.”

 

“Nonsense, android,” Thor said, “We care very much, don’t we friends?”

 

“Not really, no,” Arthur muttered.

 

“Come on, we’re almost there. Let’s sing an old Asgardian ballad to pass the time.”

 

“I think you ought to know I’m feeling very depressed,” Marvin rang in again.

 

“All the more reason to sing!” Thor insisted, “I’ll start. Ooooohhh-”

 

“Thor, I think we’re here,” Ford said, cutting him off.

 

“Pity. That was a really good one.”

 

\---

 

Nidavellir, during its prime, was once the hub of all weapons and decorative metalwork manufacturing in the Outer Rim of the galaxy. They had been contracted by Thor’s father, Odin, to forge his hammer, and had even been commissioned to build Thanos’ Infinity Gauntlet, mostly because their financial department’s key philosophy was “Money is Money.” For some reason, however, they were closed when Thor, Ford, Arthur, and Marvin pulled up.

 

“We are all out at the moment,” a recorded message played in what used to be the entrance lobby, “If you would leave your name and where you can be reached, we’ll get right back to you once we open back up. Toodles!”

 

“That sounds awfully familiar,” Arthur remarked, “Let’s go before they fire missiles at us.”

 

“Wait,” Ford said, going to the abandoned secretary’s desk and sorting through the things, “I think I know where they went.”

 

He held up a half-used coupon with the logo for Milliways on it, the famed Restaurant at the End of the Universe.

 

“Oh yes, I’ve been there,” Thor remarked, “They have a lovely salad. I can tell why ol’ Eitri would go there.”

 

“You know the way?” Arthur asked, “If I recall it was at the end of time.”

 

“Do I know the way?” Thor laughed, “Every 81st meal is free, and I’ve had that seven free meals. Don’t worry, they accept Asgardian currency.”

 

“Of course they do…”

 

\---

 

“Doctor, you are beginning to wear my patience,” Ebony Maw said as Doctor Strange screamed in agony on board the Q Ship. Hiding behind a corner up in the ceiling were billionaire Tony Stark, popularly known as Iron Man, and teenager Peter Parker, also known as Spider-Man.

 

“I’m going to give you some time to think about the price of withholding information from us,” Maw said as he placed Strange into a holding cell.

 

Strange, regaining the feeling in his face, asked, “And what if you come back and I still refuse to cooperate?”

 

“Well then we’ll just try harder this time,” Maw shrugged, the airlock door before him opening into a beautifully decorated restaurant entrance, “Here robot, you can park it ‘round the back!”

 

“Aw, shit…” Strange muttered as the door shut behind Maw.

 

“Hey, watch the language around the kid!” Tony called out as he descended from the upper rafters along with Spidey.

 

“Of course he just  _ had  _ to take his lunch here,” Strange sighed.

 

“Okay, where exactly is ‘here?’” Tony asked as he blasted the control panel outside Strange’s cell, disabling the forcefield outside it.

 

“‘Here,’” Strange began, “Is the Restaurant at the End of the Universe.” 

 

“Which end?” Peter asked.

 

“That’s the question you have?” Tony asked in return.

 

“It’s a temporal bubble placed at the very end of time itself, repeating endlessly the destruction of the universe. You’d like it, Tony, they have a very good drinks menu, if I recall.”

 

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Tony replied, “But regardless, how did Maw get here?”

 

“First of all, it doesn’t. And second, if you know the way, it’s very easy to find.”

 

“That doesn’t answer my-” Tony started to say before getting cut off.

 

“And since it's in a temporally-locked bubble, I decided it would be a good place to hide the Time Stone.”

 

“But I thought the Time Stone was with you,” Peter asked.

 

“Who are you again?”

 

“Peter Parker,” Peter introduced himself, extending his hand.

 

“Doctor Strange,” Strange said, shaking it.

 

“Oh. We’re using our made-up names? Then I am Spider-Man.”

 

“Okay, okay,” Tony said, shaking his head, “Everyone all caught up? Good. Now, let’s get out of this flying donut and get that Time Stone before Maw realizes it’s there.”

 

\---

 

“Do you have a reservation?” the maître d' asked.

 

“No,” Thor said, “But I’ve eaten here before.”

 

“That would mean you are eating here now, sir.”

 

“Right, right, I’ll just have to avoid my past selves.”

 

“Current selves,” the maître d' reminded him.

 

“Right, the past is relative. Well, I just need to know if there’s a ‘Eitri’ dining here.”

 

“Ah, yes there is, sir. Would you like a table next to him?”

 

“I know it might be off-base to say this in a bubble at the temporal end of existence itself,” Ford interjected, “But we  _ are _ pressed for time.”

 

“Indeed,” Thor said in return, “Table for three, then, near Eitri.”

 

“Three? Wait, where’s Marvin?” Arthur asked.

 

“Probably off sulking,” Ford replied, “Anyway, let’s go in there, find this Eitri fellow, grab some drinks to go and save the Universe!”

 

“Half the Universe.”

 

“Same thing, really.”

 

\---

 

“Okay,  _ Doctor _ , where in this magical restaurant is the Time Stone?” Tony asked as they entered the lobby.

 

“The table immediately next to my usual.”

 

“Oh,” Tony scoffed, “Because no one will find it there.”

 

“Well if he put it under his usual table, that’d be too obvious,” Peter rang in, before noticing the exasperated look on Tony’s face, “Sorry. Shutting up.”

 

“Hello there. Do you have a reservation?” the maître d' asked.

 

“Yes,” Strange replied, “Should be under ‘Master of Mystic Arts.’”

 

“Ah yes. There you are. Seating for three, I assume? Right this way, sir.”

 

“Being the Sorcerer Supreme does have its perks,” Strange remarked.

 

\---

 

“I hope we don’t run into our other selves from when we visited here,” Arthur muttered as they were escorted through the restaurant floor, “I’d hate for there to be  _ two _ Arthur Dents.”

 

“Also it would probably cause a time paradox,” Thor commented, “And believe me, those are an utter bitch to clean up.”

 

As the trio reached their table, they spotted the elusive Eitri, King of the Dwarves of Nidavellir, crushing his table with his elbows and sucking tankards of beer through a straw like they were milkshakes. Ironically, the term “Dwarf” is very much relative, as to humanoids they are rather giant in size, a revelation that Arthur took rather well.

 

“Good grief!” he reacted, “I thought you said he was a dwarf!”

 

“I did, and he is,” Thor said, “Now stay here while I talk to him.”

 

Ford and Arthur sat down at the table, the former taking a look at the menu.

 

“How can you think of food at a time like this?

 

“Very easily. Ooh, the soup sounds good.”

 

Over at Eitri’s table, Thor was consoling the now-handless giant.

 

“You were supposed to protect us!” the Dwarf King bellowed, “Asgard was supposed to protect us. Now everybody is dead!” He collapsed into tears.

 

“Hey now,” Thor said, pushing away Eitri’s drink, “You’ve had a bit too many Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters.”

 

“I can’t make weapons like your hammer anymore. Not without my hands...”

 

“Listen to me Eitri,” Thor insisted, “You don’t need your hands. Every weapon you've ever designed, every axe, hammer, sword… it's all inside your head. Now, come with me, back to your forge. And we’ll defeat Thanos.”

 

\---

 

“Phone call for a Mister Arthurdent,” the waiter said over at Arthur’s table, “A Mister Dent Arthurdent.”

 

“Well I’m Arthur Dent,” Arthur said, taking the phone on the waiter’s platter and putting it to his ear, “Hello?”

 

“Oh good I thought you may have died from food poisoning,” a familiar depressed voice said on the other end, “Was beginning to get jealous.” 

 

“Marvin?”

 

“Who else would have the nerve to call you? Certainly not me, that’s for sure. But I’m calling you anyway. Not like I’ll get complimented for it, though.”

 

“What is it, Marvin?”

 

“Thor mentioned an Ebony Maw fellow in his story. I imagine you weren’t listening that well but I was. Anyway, he just walked in a few minutes ago and I thought I’d mention it.”

 

“Ebony Maw?” Arthur asked, having no clue who that was.

 

_ “Ebony Maw?!” _ Thor exclaimed, having walked back to the table with Eitri, “What about him?”

 

“Well Marvin just said he saw him walk in-”

 

Thor grabbed the phone and asked, “Ebony Maw is here?!”

 

“Well of course he’s here,” Marvin said, “I parked his car for him.”

 

“We have to get out of here,” Thor gravely stated, leading the others back through the crowded restaurant.

 

\---

 

“The Time Stone is safely secured right...oh for the love of-” Strange said as he, Tony, and Peter rounded a corner and saw Ebony Maw seated right next to their table, right where the Time Stone was stored. The trio quickly grabbed some menus off a waiter’s platter and hid behind them as they sat down.

 

“We just have to wait for him to finish his meal,” Strange then said in a low voice, “It is unlikely that he will find the Time Stone-”

 

“Well what have we here?” Maw smiled as he felt something under the table, finding the Time Stone encased in a small container, stuck to the underside with duct tape.

 

“That’s it,” Tony said, powering on his armor and turning his blasters on Maw.

 

Without a hint of hesitation, Maw, with the mere movement of his hands, threw the three and their table into the air, throwing the latter at them and knocking them into the wall. The rest of the dinner patrons didn’t pay them any mind.

 

“I’d hate to leave in the middle of my lunch,” Maw said as he mentally cut apart a piece of the floor and floated off on it, “But I must return this to Thanos. Ta-ta!”

 

“Really Strange?” Iron Man said as he laid on the ground, “You used duct tape?”

 

\---

 

“So you just fire it at whomever you want, and they instantly seeing things how you see it?” Ford inquired as he conversed with an elderly man at the bar.

 

“Yeah,” the man said, “The Point of View Gun! The missus it commissioned by some supercomputer a while back. Worked wonders.” He giggled. “You wanna see it?”

 

“Of course, it sounds very profitable.”

 

As the man placed the POV Gun on the bar, Thor, Eitri and Arthur came running by.

 

“Ford, we have to go!” Arthur called out.

 

“Holy Zarq, what’s that?!” Ford shouted to the man at the bar, nabbing the gun with his back turned.

 

“Aw jeez,” the man said as he turned back around, “My wife’s gonna kill me...”

 

\---

 

“Why’d you have to do that?” Arthur asked as Ford caught up with them.

 

“This thing’ll sell big on U-Bid, and  _ I _ gotta be the one to sell it. Hey, where’s the pod?”

 

“It was towed,” Marvin answered out on the curb.

 

_ “Towed?!” _ the trio blurted out in response, seeing a tow-ship pull their escape pod away.

 

“You forgot to pay the meter,” Marvin continued.

 

“And you just let them take it?!” Ford questioned.

 

“You didn’t ask me not to.”

 

Spotting Ebony Maw over his shoulder, Thor gestured to a phone booth which the they subsequently hid behind. Maw left shortly thereafter, heading straight back to the time he came from.

 

“Well this is perfect,” Arthur remarked, “How the hell will we get out of here now?”

 

Suddenly, the phone booth transformed into a large stuffed giraffe, the ships around them spontaneously became decorated in Christmas ornaments, and before they knew it, the Heart of Gold appeared in front of them. The door popped open, revealing Fenchurch.

 

“Hey Arthur!” she called out.

 

“Fennie?”

 

“Come on, let’s go! We have half a Universe to save.”

 

“How did you find us?” Thor asked as made sure Eitri fit through the door.

 

“Well, long story short, Thanos got the Reality Stone because Zaphod’s kinda stupid, then we hopped on over to Nidavellir, saw the note, then figured you came here. I suppose this is the chap you were looking for?”

 

“Yes,” Thor replied, “and we have to get back to Nidavellir right away so he can make my weapon to defeat Thanos.”

 

“Sounds like a plan. Zaphod, set course back to the whatsit place!”

 

\---

 

“Doctor,” Tony said as he, Strange, and Peter stood outside the restaurant, “Where’s the spaceship?”

 

“I… may have made a miscalculation.”

 

“Oh, ya think?!”

 

“Uh,” Peter interrupted, “I don’t know about you guys but I’m gonna go back inside.”

 

“Yeah, kid, order anything you want,” Tony muttered, “We might be here a while.”

 

_ How will the good doctor and his newfound allies get back home?  _

 

_ What will Thor’s new weapon look like? _

 

_ Did the writer forget all about the Soul Stone, since Gamora isn’t in this particular story? _

 

_ For the answers to these questions and more, tune in next time, for the resounding continuation of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy! _

 

_ [Journey of the Sorcerer plays] _


	4. Fit the Fourth

It is a common phrase in the human lexicon that one should always  _ expect the unexpected _ . However, as Steve “Captain America” Rogers was realizing, this phrase was a load of rubbish, since most of his life for the past several years as been absolutely unexpectable, even if you followed the phrase to the letter. First, he was injected with a bizarre serum that made him the epitome of masculinity. Second, near the tail end of World War II he crashed a plane in the arctic and somehow survived for 70 odd years. Third, just as he was settling into his new place in the modern world, it turned out everything was a lie, which also turned out to be a lie. Finally, he suddenly went from beloved hero to fugitive from the law, growing a beard in the process but thankfully not calling himself “Nomad” (except for in some alternative continuities where he did for a while).

 

And now, he was fighting hoards ravenous aliens in a last-ditch attempt to protect Vision, a being powered by the Mind Stone, something Thanos, the so-called and aptly-named Mad Titan, would very much like to have. Not to mention the fact that he was doing this in Wakanda, a country which until a few weeks ago was seen by everyone as a third-world backwater, which, in an entirely not  _ un _ -unexpected move, turned out not to be the case.

 

It seemed for a good several moments that the Avengers’ (that is what the heroes called themselves) hope had run out, until even stranger things started happening. The vicious Outriders they had been fighting suddenly turned into balloons animals, the Children of Thanos’ weapons turned into plastic dog toys, and the fuel in their ships turned into bubble bath solution.

 

“What the  _ Hell _ …?” Proxima Midnight exclaimed, finding that her weapon had transformed into a rubber squeaky bone.

 

“What’s that noise?” Bruce Banner, inside Iron Man’s Hulkbuster armor, asked.

 

Said noise, coinciding with the leaves of the nearby trees turning into tennis balls, was the unmistakable sound of an Improbability Drive. More specifically, it was the starship Heart of Gold, appearing high above the field.

 

“That’s not one of our ships!” T’Challa, King of Wakanda, remarked in surprise.

 

The exterior door opened, revealing Thor, God of Thunder ablaze with lightning and fury, leaping through the threshold into battle and wielding his new weapon, the Stormbreaker, an axe whose handle was not made of wood, but rather Marvin’s left arm.

 

“BRING ME THANOS!” he cried out.

 

On board, Arthur and Fenchurch looked down through the window.

 

“Look, I get that he can jump through hoops and make lightning strike everywhere, but I still don’t see the appeal,” Arthur pouted.

 

“Well,” Fenchurch said, “He was once #4 Most Popular Deity. That must count for something.”

 

“Once? Where’s he at now?”

 

“Well after Zaphod embarrassed him all over the Sub Ether he got bumped down to #68, but he’s worked his way back up to #27. Right now he’s behind Flapper the Penguin, God of Paperback Books.”

 

“Oh that’s good.”

 

\---

 

“Hey, uh,” Zaphod said from the bridge, “the situation’s not looking too hot out there. Ya think maybe we should help?”

 

“How can we help?” Ford remarked, “We’re a bunch of hitchhikers, a renegade President, and a manically depressed robot.”

 

“Well I’m not-” Zaphod started to argue before getting cut off by the ship smashing into the forcefield surrounding Wakanda.

 

_ “Hi fellas!”  _ the computer chimed in, “I’m unable to maintain autopilot and hovering systems as my circuits are being taken up by a very serious problem!”

 

“This isn’t the tea thing again, is it?” Ford muttered.

 

“What?” Arthur scoffed, walking in from the kitchen, “No. Not at all, really. Okay, maybe a smidge, really.”

 

_ “Arthur!”  _ everyone seemed to shout at once.

 

The ship proceeded to then fall out of the sky, crashing in a forest clearing near where Vision had been (coincidentally crushing the last member of a unique Wakandan grass beetle species by the name of “A. Grajag” while they were at it, too). Upon climbing out of the ship, they saw Thanos— having somehow gotten the Soul Stone in this continuity —rip the Mind Stone out of Vision’s head after reversing time with the Time Stone.

 

“Holy Zarquon Singing Fish…” Zaphod said.

 

“Oh, Belgium…” Ford muttered, “Where are those Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses? I’m almost feeling terrified right about now.”

 

“I think I’m gonna be sick…” Arthur said, averting his eyes.

 

The group ran behind the crashed Heart of Gold, hoping they wouldn’t be noticed. Thanos placed the Mind Stone in the center of his now-fully-bejeweled Infinity Gauntlet, ready to finish his long-fought goal of wiping out half the Universe with a snap of his fingers. Suddenly, Thanos was met at lightspeed by Thor, stabbing him the the chest with the Stormbreaker before he could do the deed.

 

“You should have...” Thanos moaned as the axe dug deeper into his stomach, “You should have…”

 

His wound began to reverse itself with the use of the Time Stone, and his resolve seemed to harden as he regained stability. 

 

_ “You should have-” _

 

Thanos was interrupted by a gunshot to his behind, by none other than Marvin carrying none other than the Point of View Gun.

 

“Oh…” Thanos began, his demeanor suddenly shifting, “What’s the point?”

 

He snapped his fingers all the same, but in the white flash of light that followed, it was the Titan who turned to dust, and no one else. All that remained of the genocidal maniac that terrorized Earth was a pile of ash sitting on the Wakandan dirt and a melted Infinity Gauntlet, all the heroes looking on in confusion and awe.

 

“What…” Thor stammered, “What did you do?”

 

“I made him see things how I saw it,” Marvin replied, “It’s no wonder he wanted out after that.”

 

“So... we won?” Bucky asked.

 

“Yes,” Arthur said, stepping out from behind the Heart of Gold, “I believe we did.”

 

“And what did it cost?” Okoye asked.

 

“Oh, I dunno,” Ford nonchalantly said, “Some old guy’s Point of View Gun, Arthur’s self-esteem… that Vision chap.”

 

“Actually,” Trillian said as she looked over Vision’s lifeless body, “If we get this guy and the Mind Stone over to the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation they could probably do something.”

 

“They can save him?” Wanda, Vision’s secret lover, asked as she cradled his body.

 

“Of course they can,” Marvin remarked, “Those bastards can even save those who don’t want to be save. Pity, that.”

 

Their joy was then interrupted, sadly, by the all-too familiar sound of a Vogon Constructor Fleet’s PA system reverberating over the planet’s surface.

 

“People of Earth,” Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz began in a tired tone, “Blah, blah, blah, Earth scheduled for demolition, hyperspace expressway, and so on and so forth… You probably know the drill, mankind.”

 

The exhausted Avengers and Heart of Gold crew looked at each other and sighed.

 

“Today must be Thursday,” Arthur muttered, “Could never get the hang of Thursdays…”

 

\---

 

Back at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, Doctor Strange, Tony Stark, and Peter Parker sat around their since-repaired table, waiting for a lift home. 

 

“Look,” Strange began as he argued with a man across the aisle, “I understand that the Campaign for Real Time’s goal is noble, but there  _ are _ some instances where temporal intervention is necessary.”

 

Slartibartfast, the man across the aisle, scoffed, “It is so typical of willy-nilly time travellers like yourself to believe that what you’re doing is ‘for the greater good’ when all it does is make things more difficult for us!”

 

“Well maybe,” Strange suggested, “You should work on not caring what we sorcerers do and instead focus on your own problems.”

 

“Your problems  _ are _ our problems!”

 

On Peter’s side of the table, he was arguing with a most insistent Dish of the Day.

 

“But I don’t want to eat you!” Peter said in disgust.

 

“And I would very much like to be eaten,” the Dish repeated, “Isn’t this better than eating animals who don’t know any better?”

 

“Not when it’s  _ telling me  _ to eat it!”

 

“Listen, Spider Boy,” the Dish said, placing its hand on Peter’s shoulder, “I urge you to consider my left thigh. It’s ripe & juicy!”

 

Peter’s face practically went green.

 

“Mr. Stark,” he said, “I don’t feel so good…” Peter then threw up in a conveniently-placed trash bag next to his seat.

 

“Waiter,” Tony burped, “More of those Pan-whatevers, please…”

 

“Right away, sir.”

 

In a table not too far away, Rocket Raccoon looked through a pair of binoculars towards the Strange table, laughing.

 

“Heh, everyone remembers their first Dish of the Day,” he commented.

 

“Hey,” Peter Quill scolded, “No spying on people. And Groot!”

 

“I Am Groot?” the teenage tree asked, looking up from his video game.

 

“Yes, I’m talking to you. No games at the table. This is a fancy restaurant.”

 

“I Am Groot,” Groot replied sadly, putting away his game.

 

“I have the strangest feeling something important was supposed to happen to me today,” Gamora commented, “But for the life of me I don’t know what.”

 

“Probably indigestion,” Drax replied, grabbing more bread off the table’s center, “Happened to my mother all the time.”

 

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

 

Mantis spoke up, “You worry too much, Gamora.”

 

“Yeah,” Gamora said, looking back at her menu, “I guess you’re right…”

 

_[Journey of the Sorcerer plays]_

_ In this fanfiction crossover of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams, and Avengers: Infinity War, by Marvel Studios, Peter Jones was the Book. Simon Jones was Arthur Dent, Geoffery McGivern: Ford Prefect, Mark Wing-Davey: Zaphod Beeblebrox, Stephen Moore: Marvin, Sandra Dickinson: Trillian, and Chris Hemsworth: Thor Odinson.  _

_ Tony Stark was played by Robert Downey Jr, Doctor Strange: Benedict Cumberbatch, Spider-Man: Tom Holland, and Random: Samantha Béart. Fenchurch was played by Jane Horrocks, Thanos: Josh Brolin, Bill Wallis: Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz, and the rest of the Avengers— plus the Guardians of the Galaxy —were themselves.  _

_ Richard Vernon was Slartibartfast, Peter Davison: The Dish of the Day, and the Man at the Bar was played by Stan Lee.  _

_ Sound effects were done by Paddy Kingsland of the BBC Radiophonics Workshop, and the fanfic was written by CaptainJZH. _

 

_ And if you stayed past the credits, you will get a special scene as a consolation prize. _

 

\---

 

Zemo sat in his cell, calmly biding his time. There wasn’t much to do in maximum security confinement, he’d learned.

 

“Zemo?” he heard a voice call out, “Helmut Zemo?”

 

“Yes?” he asked the dark room, “Who’s there?”

 

Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged— the immortal being spending eternity insulting the universe in alphabetical order —stepped out of the shadows.

 

“You’re a real asshole. But not the lovable kind, more like the kind you wanna kill but also wouldn’t mind if he just dropped dead one day. An Utter Bastard.”

 

The cursed one then stepped back into the shadows, leaving Zemo with that biting insult.

 

“Well… that wasn’t very nice…”


End file.
